I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
