then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize