why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
