have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
