It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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