mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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