I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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