We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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