saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
