We're facebook friends in real life
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize