Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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