i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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