3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
