i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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