Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
