The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
