I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dicks are not precious.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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