Are we in a gay sports bar?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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