I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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