now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
