So drunk its hurt
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize