Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
