What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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