omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
