I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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