So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i love accidental penises.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
