I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
