I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
even my farts smell like vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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