i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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