Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
