Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
