don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
