Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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