That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
