the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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