It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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