My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
