I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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