Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
