just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
