Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
