I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
