I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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