so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
