Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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