onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
