So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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