i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
