I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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