i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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