So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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