Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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