Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
