In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
