One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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