I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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