just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
