Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
