So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
