so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
