Banned from zoo.
Again?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think my moral compass just broke
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
