i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
