you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
