Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
