I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
