We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
