Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
