I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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