Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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